Sunday, September 20, 2015

When the Control Freak Loses All Control

I didn't realize until a couple years ago that I was a control freak.
I mean... sure... I've always been one of those people that would rather just do something myself than try to tell someone else how to do it.
And I like things done a certain way, and it sometimes irks me when someone does it differently.
But the biggest clue was in how often I was getting mad or irritated that people were not doing things I asked of them WHEN I told them to.

Yeh...If I ask you to do something, please do it then. Right then. Not "I'll do it afterwhile", or "ok"...and then sit there and continue doing whatever it is you are doing which is clearly not nearly as important as what I am needing you to do when I asked it of you...or I wouldn't have asked you!!

And since this realization, I've been trying to have more patience in this area. Trying not to get angry or aggravated at my loved ones when they don't jump at the my beckoned call. It doesn't always work, but in the words of the immortal Queen Elsa, I'm learning to "let it go." (and usually just do it myself)

But now, there is a new challenge for control of my life.  And it's not over someone not doing something I asked. At least not entirely.

Now it seems that I don't have control over very many areas of my life at all. 

At home, when the kids were little, I pretty much determined what they wore, what they ate, what music or movies/tv they watched, where they went, and who their friends were.
----notsomuch anymore
The kids are mostly grown, making their own decisions about what to wear, and who their friends are, and where they want to go, and want to eat, and even sometimes-how they act or speak to me.

At work, I taught my students. I planned the lessons, I found the extras to go with those lessons. We had fun, we sang songs,  we had time to get to know each other.
----notsomuch anymore
At work (or school if you will), I have no say over what I'm doing in my classroom with my students anymore. Everything is either scripted for us to say, and how to say it, and what page we need to be on each day, and which assessments to give when whether the kids have actually learned the lessons yet or not. There is no time for reading to kids, or singing with kids, or listening to the stories they want to share about themselves and their families. It's do this, and fill out these papers, and be on time for this or that... rush rush rush, test, test, test.. no time for real teaching anymore. And definitely no time for fun. 

With family, everyone was healthy, and took care of themselves (other than the children of course), and I didn't have to worry so much about them.
----notsomuch anymore
And this part is the hardest to accept I think, is the fact that I am now in the sandwich generation. 
I have teens (one who lives with us, one who lives with his dad), a college student, an adult child who still lives off of us, an Alzheimerish MIL who is getting more and more dependent upon us with each passing day, and parents of my own, in another town, whose physical healths are deteriorating faster than I can even imagine. And I work a full time job and 2 part time jobs, take care of my husband and home and pets, along with the girlchild's every need.

I am not in control of anything anymore. And I'm not sure where/how I can get that control back.

I wake up and go to school where I'm told every move to make.

I get home between 6-7pm after one part time job or both, and the grocery shopping or running errands, to make dinner for the family and make sure the MIL has a meal delivered to her. 
The girlchild will fill me in on her day, and invariably something will spark a confrontation with her. I'll find out about how my parents' days went--which ailments are acting up worse than others, what things are happening in their lives 75 miles away, and be grateful that my teen son is there to be with them and help them out because I'm not.

 I'll spend a couple hours with my husband, which is my saving grace although it carries us into the later hours of the night since that is the only time we have together, leaving not much time for sleep.

The only time there is for housecleaning is the weekends which is when I also have to get everything done for the next week at school since there is no time during the week AT school to do that, and spend time with my own kids, and community activities or any of those things that you just can't do during the work week.
So the housecleaning usually gets put off.
I guess there IS one thing I can control... housework.

My life is a routine with fights and hormones and meals to be made, and people to take care of and try to keep happy--Bosses, kids, spouse, and parents-both mine and those of my students. It's not an easy job. It's not the job I signed up for. At least I don't remember signing up for it. Not like this.

I've lost control of me. Of my life.
I'm a robot.
I'm a servant.
And no one even listens to me anyway.
If they'd just listen to me...then life would be so much easier.

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